Right now my house is full of boxes and clothes and mugs and plates and chaos.
I woke up this morning at 9:30--lay in bed restless--done sleeping but not ready to be awake and take on the world so just closed my eyes and cuddled a pillow. I ran into a friends boyfriend at a coffee shop and he had to say my name 3 times before I heard him.
I had a call with a mentor who unsurfaced some really fun habits I have of giving my power away--in basically every area of my life (oh, ge ... e, fun insight).
I didn't want to eat anything other than croissants and coffee (when I get stressed, anxious or overwhelmed my appetite takes a first class ticket to Tahiti) but forced one of those chopped apple and carrot snack boxes with a tiny sandwich from Starbucks into a stressed belly (pertend kid food) and threw myself into the shittest surf of my life. JuneBridals wedding party bridesmaid wears in cobalt blue
I half surfed/half floated at Barneys for a while and then lay in my wetsuit in the fetal position in the sunshine on the beach. Half napping, half feeling guck.
I opened one eye and saw some cute little tall legged birds eating something from the sand--so curled to one side in the fetal position in my wetsuit in the middle of the beach and just watched them softly. That felt okay.
**Lifeguard trucks and people drove by--I just shut my eyes and pretended they weren't there.
When I am depleted (right now I am movement depleted from traveling for 10 months, project creativity depelted, book depleted and actual move move to California depleted) I don't want to see a fucking human. Not one. I don't even look at people--for I don't know how to do that without giving them energy and love and light and connection.
While I am "playing dead" and pretending I am in an isolated cabin in BC where no one knows me, I hear a young girl go, "Mommy, is she okay?"
"She's fine. She's just sleeping."
"No, mommy she doesn't look okay".
[Damnit, fucking intuition superpowers on kids. busted]
I look up, with a fake smile "I'm fine, just resting."
I stood in my kitchen eating raw cookie dough in my change towel then lay on the floor of my bathtub during my shower because I was too tired to stand.
I left my phone in my car at 11 AM and haven't looked at it because I don't have anything to give it or the people inside of it.
Cried on the phone with my mom like a kid.
Now, I am eating more cookie dough ice cream in a really hideous grey sweater (while it's sunny and palm tree'd outside) and am watching Vampire Diaries.
I have't unpacked my things, read my emails, looked at my phone, seen my friends who live here--none of the things.
You guys have seen lots of cool photos of me holding my pink surfboard and in dopped up villas in Bali--just wanted to let you guys know behind the scenes I don't have my shit together either.
I have days where I am superwoman, and days where I don't trust any of the things I trusted yesterday.See More